Deciding to be a little more happy..

I think I deserve to be happy. I think I deserve to love myself and appreciate myself more.

I’m tired of being unhappy. I’m tired of not liking who I see in the mirror every morning. I’m tired of having little patience with myself and the people around me. I’m tired of just not enjoying the fact that I’m a live and that my children, as crazy as they are, love me unconditionally. That alone is a reason to love life. I need to start appreciating things more. I’m not happy that I don’t have my own home yet. But someday I know I will and I need to strive and work harder for that. I’m tired of feeling bad for myself and I’m tired of giving up. But I’m also tired of not doing anything for myself. Everything in my life revolves around my children, which of course is how things are supposed to be, but I also need something for myself again.

I've made a list for myself of things that used to make me happy. As little as some of them are they worked wonderfully at keeping me focused. If I want to eventually make it into the writing world as a published author, I need focus.

Here is a list of ten things, simple as they are, that make me happy and I miss.
(The #1 thing that makes me happy is seeing my children smile and knowing they are happy and as miserable as I've been feeling lately I always make sure to make them happy. This is a list just for me.)

1. Writing my WIP’s
2. Blogging
3. FanFiction
4. Taking Pictures
5. Walking
6. Reading
7. Playing Outside With The Kids
8. Drawing
9. Eating Better
10. Organizing 

A little, everyday I’m going to start doing these simple things on my list. Maybe some days I can do them all. But I will not overwhelm myself like I always do when I try to get back into my life. Eventually more important things will come around that I will want to do for myself and I will add them to this list, but for now I will start with these little things.

day 5 (late) - nanowrimo - in the beginning... or the middle... or start at the end.

I have too many ideas for my stories. That sounds like a stupid thing to say because having ideas (even too many) is the point! But when I have tons of ideas -not in ANY order- I start to get discouraged. I start to get frustrated. But I think I should write whatever comes to mind. I will just keep writing later scenes if need be until I can eventually fit them all together. If I can't, then the story just isn't meant to be. I have more then enough stories to choose from to be a finished project. Think Positive. The only way to be!




Day 5 - NaNoWriMo - I only went ankle deep into my writing last night. Well, maybe more like dipped my toes in. I had an idea for a later scene and I went with it. I just didn't realize how little the scene was. Is it wrong if I pick apart another story for NaNoWriMo? I think I just may have to do that to get my juices flowing better.

day 3 & 4 - nanowrimo - at least i'm writing

I didn't get to write a thing yesterday or really get on the computer like I wanted to. But today I sort of made up for it. I haven't reached my daily mark but I'm not too far away. Now, I really wanted to write from beginning to end with this years NaNoWriMo but it just isn't working out that way. I have skipped ahead to later scenes for later chapters and started writing them out. Better to write something than nothing at all! Eventually I will piece together this poor story and make into something amazing. (Hopefully).

I've been doing some more outlining and planning and I seem to be changing parts of this story. The basics are the same, the characters and the main plot are the same but the rest of the writing that makes the story flow has gone from fantasy to a more horrory feel. I could be wrong about it though. It may just still be a fantasy. I'll worry about that when I'm done with the whole manuscript.

So for my fellow NaNo'ers... Write On!

day 2 nanowrimo - unfocused

I'm already not happy with myself when it comes to this years NaNoWriMo. Yesterday I wrote a measly 500 words. Today I barely finished a paragraph. Now, I can put all the blame on the fact that my kids have been home since last Saturday, (which really isn't helping my creative juices at all!) but I would be a big fat liar. Yes, my son asking me to help him play a game or fix something every few seconds can get you side tracked and yes my daughters fighting over every little thing that comes out of their mouths can put a damper on ones focus, and having the rest of the family talking to me when they see I'm typing can really make someone frustrated. But the truth of the matter is... my head just isn't in it.

Once upon a time I was at the height of my creativity and I had my three kids, in-laws and a other half who is almost like having a 4th child. So why was it so easy to write then? Why do I have a fanfiction that has more words in it then some finished novels on shelves? I could blame everyone around me. I want to blame everyone around me because then I wouldn't have to blame myself.

I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to writing. Hell, I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to a lot of things but it truly disappoints me the most when it comes to my writing because it was once such an important and constant thing in my life. I have wanted to be a writer since I'm 11 years old. My imagination has been my best friend all these years and something I am so grateful that I was born with. I still love to read, (probably more now then I have ever in my life) I have tons of ideas for stories, tons of ideas for WIPs. My mind is constantly churning with everything word related. Yet here I sit, another day staring at that blinky thing on my open word wondering... why is nothing happening? I don't know why and I don't know if I ever will. But I do know one thing. I will never give up. No matter how little I write or how many unanswered questions I have for myself, I won't give up. That is a promise I have made for myself and a promise I plan on keeping. Without writing, no matter how little I do, I would be lost.

So NaNoWriMo... here I come. One blank page at a time!

day 1 nanowrimo - excited

Happy First Day of NaNoWriMo!

1,667 words

30 days

I haven't written anything yet but I have tons of ideas and outlines planned out. Characters are still in the works, minus the ones I already have. Which, really, isn't much. But... I'm hopeful. I'm going to try to get my 1,667 in before the night is through. If not, I better get my butt in gear tomorrow! Good luck to all of my fellow NaNoWriMo'ers. 

Five Questions

Grabbed this from Amber over at Adventures in AmberLand.


5 places you need to visit: 
Ireland
Scotland
England
Maine
California

5 places you would love to call home: 
Maine
Pennsylvania
Ireland
California
England

Top 5 favorite things in your life: 
My Kids
Writing
Reading
Losing weight
Determination in everything I do!

5 things you want to cross off your bucket list or goal list this year:
Finish writing one of my novels.
Reach my goal weight.
Start a Diary and Write in it Everyday.
Stop caring about what people think.
Have fun.


5 random facts about yourself: 
Spiders make me hyperventilate.
I have a fear of Bridges.
I’ve never been on a plane.
I start things and never finish them… (I’m hoping this changes)
I never feel like I'm good enough, for anyone or anything.

Losing Weight

I have been on a calorie counting diet since April 24, a SlimFast diet since about 3 weeks ago and going to the gym almost daily since May 15. Finally on Saturday for the first time in about 5 years I felt good about myself. I have lost a total of 9 pounds! Now, that may not be a lot or even enough to be noticeable to others that I have in fact lost weight, but it was a huge milestone to me. Every ten pounds I lose will be like winning the lottery. I'm proud of myself and even more motivated than I was before. I am hoping that during this summer I can actually buy some clothes and feel comfy and not like a whale who everyone is talking about. So hopefully I will have enough confidence to post some pics of my progress. If not, I'll just write here and there about my accomplishment.

P.S. Eating healthier can actually be fun and tastes great!!